It hit me today. They're training us to be spies.

Think about it. Do you really think that anyone could torture us worse than anything we've already been through? What other person could endure labor, delivery, and early morning feedings and still get up the next day and do it ALL OVER AGAIN? Seriously.  Needles, knives, electric shock? Please. Don't mock me. Try watching four straight hours of the Muppets, reading the same fucking book 10 times a day, and answering the same damn question over and over again. THAT IS TORTURE.

Multitasking? Pshaw. Working a gun, cell-phone, and a sexy trench (of course) while driving a black BMW is nothing. Who else are they going to find that can do 5,000 things at once? I don't know any other breed that can read a magazine, talk on the phone, and nurse a baby all while taking a crap. I could be sitting in another room writing a reasonably funny blog post and tell you exactly what everyone else is doing in the house without a freaking fancypants voice-activated videospeakerphone thingy.

And let's face it. We are the masters of not talking. How many times have you been asked "how are you" and you painlessly respond "fine thanks" when you really want to say, "Well, I have a hemorrhoid the size of a prairie dog hanging off my asshole and I haven't slept in 4 days, but otherwise, I'm just peachy." That takes some fortitude.

Or how about when the kid next to you at playground has a snot longer than a jump rope hanging from his nose and all you say is "Oh, excuse me, I think he needs a tissue." Suppressing the "Lady, wipe your nasty kid's nose off before I strangle him with his own snot string" takes uncanny willpower.

Don't forget sneaky. We are some sneaky bitches. I can get my kid to eat anything under the sun. "Here honey - GREEN MAC N' CHEESE! " or, "I don't know why your apple sauce tastes like liver... must be the brand." I can hint the shit out of constipated bull. Just try me. My powers of manipulation are unmatched.

Seriously, only a mom could handle the sight of any or all types of bodily fluids and still eat her extra large piece of double layered German chocolate cake. Hell, I could have a big old poop smudge on my hand and still use the other one to shove that dessert right in my mouth without even batting an eyelash. They don't call me the stomach of steel for nothing.

So look. Before you think all your sleepless nights, group bathroom sessions, and thankless work are for naught, fear not. We will soon be rewarded with fancy electronic equipment and sexy black suits. This top secret government plan didn't fool me. I'm way too smart for those bastards.

Either that or I've just figured out that I'm a Mom.  And this is what I do.  So last night around 12 or so I hear a BANG omg trey fell outta bed ( being that we have hardwood floors hence there would be a bang) so I wander upstairs and hear what I think is my poor son having a breathing attack of something there he is wheezing holding his blanket and shaking.. Apparently his window slammed shut scaring the ever living bejesus outta him.. So I carry him down and have him lay with me.. I think we were up most of the night.. It was hotter than hell did I complain the other 2 nights where I was freezing my ass off cause it was chilly boy did I have a hell night of heat.. Hes off with Granny and pappy today.. Jocelynne is having a nap.. precious lil thing that she is.. was up most of the night too.. Thought she might have been growing worms since she always has to have a blanket around here to chew on.. Kaites outside riding bike with my red headed step child.. AHh harmony has been restored.. Hes home from Virgina.. lets all do the happy dance.. Have some wash going shocked the hell outta the pool since its a lovley shade of lime green again.. Totally screwed up on Treys Drs appointment why I marked it for Tomorrow when it was really yesterday is beyond me.. Got rid of the kittens but low and behold theres a damn still one lurking here kinda have grinning at me say haha ass im stil you here you forgot about me!

I guess ill start by making the good points of vacation.. I got to spend time with the family. we went parasailing which I got sick in the air (damn motion sickness) kaite got sick on the boat.. Neither one of us tossed our cookies though.. Seen The dolphins up close and personal. It was hotter than hell.. the one night it was like 113 on the parking deck. went to rainforest cafe, hooters hardrock cafe. I didnt like the food I got at hard rock, didnt eat it.. hell I didnt eat much of anything on vacation.. Too many things on my mind. Like how is it that one person can be so miserable in there life that they have to try and make others just and miserable. Seriously you need to get a life. Just cause I wanted to get the child support rechecked I have hell to pay for its not fair.. To me or the kids or anyone else.. I have been in such a shitty daze for the past week.. I dont feel like doing anything.. I havent eatting in 2 days.. I have no urge to eat. I guess thats not a bad thing though right. the kids had fun I think.. Trey was big and brave in the water and yeah look I actually took the kids on vacation. how the hell can someone accuse me of leaving them home alone while we were on vacation is beyond me. Trey didnt really know if he liked rainforest cafe again we got put by the elephants.  The waiters and waitresses all gathered round to wish John a rain forest cafe Happy Birthday complete with a volcanooooooooooooo...We also went to hooters where Trey insisted he wanted a hooters girl.. I tell ya the boy was in hooters heaven and so was John.. They all came over made him stand on a chair and wished him a hooters Happy Birthday.. I learned well kinda learned to play poker we had a fun night of that sitting at the picnic table of the camper while John was making stink like the bay.. Damn he had one powerful ass that night..Did I mention the sand was hot as hell and would almost leave blisters on them??? Jay and Crystal came down for the day well it was suppose to be over night but I guess somwething came up and they didnt stay but we all had a good day at the beach the water finally warmed up a little and then we all went to the water park and had fun going down the slides and watching the little ones bumble around in the water.. That night we went to Wildwood and spent the night on the rides and left there at 1am..Wish vacation would never have ended but like most good things it must come to an end..One of the best thing of vacation was I got a whole week of sleeping with my baby..But now its back to work and the grind..But in the mail we got another free 3 nights for Caeser's hope we use it this time..Ok took enough break... Look for my upcoming slide show from vacation :)

When you hold me in your arms
You touch a part of me
That no one else can reach.
Your soul takes a hold of mine
And suddenly, I’m flying,
High above the clouds.
Singing, laughing,
Just you and me.
Its like a drug.
Its like a shot.
Its like nothing else in the entire world
And then…
Our souls meet
In this fiery burst of passion
Like a thunderstorm.
Its intense.
Its romantic.
Its loving.
Its everything I’ve always wanted,
And more.
You’re my heart.
You’re my soul.
You’re my existence.
All, while holding me in your arms.

I think i posted last week about a lump we found on Trey's neck.. well Now there are two of them on his Lymph glands.. So we were into see the dr yesterday He still insists theres nothing to worry about but sent him for blood work. Says not to worry that hes only doing these tests to ease my mind but come on How many of you all could sit there and not worry when your lil man is getting a sed rate done.. (if you dont know what is a test for look it up) I know I tend to think the worst of everything but hes my lil man and I couldnt bare to think that something is wrong with him. He was a trooper getting his blood taken didnt cry just wimperd God I hated having to sit there and hold him when they did that.. Got all the kids things packed for vacation.. I cannot wait to go.. Its much needed.. Jocelynne was BEYOND a good girl yesterday.. Maybe she realizes that mommy didnt really need her to be having a fit.. We were at the dr from 11:50 till 1pm.. So needless to say we didnt get home till late cause we had to go to Coaldale to get his tests done (gotta love insurance companies right) then over to redners for lunch things and home to drop the 2 older ones off and out to the service team. Sunday we went over to my brothers house to play guitar hero and have a cpl of drinks (it was our first anniversary) got picked on But I think so did everyone lol. Saturday John and I went out to crock rock to see His friend from works band.. There were actually 4 bands playing that night and they all were great even though it wasnt my type of music they were great and we had a good time. Looked up somethings on here last night about our ancestry, Here it looks like we have Italian and Austrian in our blood.. Didnt know about that, it was really need to see the records online about people I have no clue on nor never met.. Well I met some of them.. Anyway was just up for the baby so I thought I would jump on here.. Please keep My lil man in your prayers today.. Like i said we get the results today..

 My lil man Sunday night..

I have so completely become "that woman", "that mom." "That mom" who used to inspire my eyes to roll in disgust at how she could possibly let her little angel roll around on the floor of a department store or touch the unbought merchandise with his tiny, dirty hands as she waits in line staring aimlessly. "That mom" who lets her toddler wander around the table at a restaurant while she tries to pay the bill. I have most definitely become "that mom" but I now understand what the aimless looks and frazzled dash to pay up and bolt really mean.

Yes, I am now the mom that the woman behind the counter at Walmarts eyes evilly as I let my two year old pick up candy as I wait my turn to pay. Of course there are my obligatory, "Trey don't touch that, please put that back,......."

I know they are all feeble attempts meant more to keep onlookers from rolling their eyes at my indifference to my child's behavior. I know that any stronger discipline would surely end way worse, with damaged unpaid-for candy, a dramatic flopping onto the floor and some worked up tears thrown in. So quite frankly, I am silently thrilled and relieved that the candy and unnecessary crap at the checkout keeps him amused. And my aimless stares, my weak reprimands are a welcome respite from a day filled with, "what can I get you, what is it, where did you drop it, let me just pull over to look for it, two seconds, two seconds, juice? milk? cookie? crack? what?????!!!!!!!!!!"

In other words, I have not only become "that mom" but I have also become my son's bitch. I'm not proud.

Yes, I am "that mom" with the dirty faced kid shopping at Walmart. And I get some disgusted looks and some knowing looks but I will never get the adoring look that "that dad" would. "That dad" who is so cute as he struggles and scrambles to appease his little guy with adorable dribbles of ice cream down his face. "Aww. poor guy, how sweet." No, only the moms should be expected to know how to get through the day without dirt, boogers, and inappropriate behavior (is there such a thing for a two year old?)

Do I need to call that damn supernanny? It used to be that I could give myself a real ego boost by watching that show and revelling at how great a parent I was. I would never do that, allow that, ignore that..... Cut to me as my child's personal assistant picking up every discarded item thrust fromthe shopping cart on his slightest whim without even one lame attempt to correct the situation. I don't know when it switched from the concerted, patient effort to be the enlightened perfect parent to what it has become; making it through the day. I'm not proud.

As I sit here trying to type on the keyboard from which my child has spille god knows what on it , I cannot help but feel it is a joke. Gone is the ease and flow of life before kids. My fingers can no longer jump effortlessly from letter to letter. With every frustrated double tap of the sticking keys, I am reminded that all has been changed forever. And again, I become "that mom". The one I used to speak of snottily. "Why doesn't she just go buy a new keyboard?? Get her haircut? Clean her car? Having a kid shouldn't be your whole life"!

I actually still slightly agree with myself. That is partially why I am sitting here trying to have some time for myself by typing on this awful thing. I would rather be staring at a wall but I already did that earlier today when I should have been washing the keyboard. Is it that I let myself down or am I more concerned with what a stranger thinks of me? It feels like some odd combination of both. After my child tumbles backwards through the sign at EBX I see my life flash before my eyes, I belittle myself as I am also aware of the glares from employees. Their gasps and whispers, "that mom" so wasn't watching..... She was on her cell, fixing her hair, blowing her nose, staring into space......."

True. All true. And I want to present them with an itemized list of all the things that I've done right. I play a mental video of one day last week where I was engaged and present for 8 hours straight and books were read and put away, vegetables were eaten, teeth were brushed, and bedtime was observed. When I see the disapproving looks as my child devours the cheeseburger I gave him to help make it through the car ride home I want to scream, "Where were you yesterday when he ate all of his chicken and greenbeans?"

Is it what they think of me or what I think of me? I think it's some strange combination of both. Their glances mirror my deepest fears. Do my children run my life, has they so quickly promoted themselves to "boss"? How awful. How easy to judge. Is each "give-in" an admission of failure? Am I doing what is easiest for me or what is best for them? I think it might be some crazy combination of both.. My children really doent dictate my life, and I try and set some sort of limitations, I realize that they are just kids and it will soon be time when they are all grown up.. It pays off with the putting back of the candy to the counter after just one "no", the thank you to the waitress, the kiss before bed. Small victories along the journey that are sometimes witnessed by others but mostly known in my heart. We will get through the day, the week, the years, trying new things all the time and trusting that some things will work better than others and that's the way it's supposed to be. For us and not anyone else.

anyway enough on this.. been busting my balls off cleaning and doing wash today... worked up a good sweat.. damn 95 degrees today wtf is that... Dropped off the Lincoln to finally get its body work done about damn time... That leaves us down to 1 car and well after last nights adventures freecycling(6 hours to go 2 places.. heheh I got lost in boogeyman land).. On the adventure trail for last night ran into this place lmao.. Had to take this pic for John...

Ok so I have a warped sense of humor.. I laughed for like 20 minutes.. Then we found a Mcdees with coke floats and cheesestick and freakin chicken fajitas all on the $$$ menu wtf why does Jersey get all the good crap.. while driving in god knows where turned down this deserted dark spooky boogeyman road waiting for the louey to jump out and get me.. rounded a corner and ran smack into this place Sen Garrett W Hagedorn Psych hospital.. This was so much like something out of a horror movie.. I proceeded to put up the windows turned on the ac did a u turn and drove my ass out of there to civilization... All this for the princess.. Finally got to my destination and got this for her...

as you can see she loves it so it was well worth the trip..Trey spins her round and round in it.. I feel so bad for my baby hes at work tonight and its hot as hell.. Hopefully he will get more breaks.. I doubt it though..Had Trey in the pool today hes getting quite brave in the water..

He got quite the tan going on... Little brat..

Kates been having friend problems with Tyler its an on again off again relationship.. Oh to be so young again and have such problems as setting crayfish free...

Cleaned our room and threw out 3 big bags of clothing that I dont want or will wear again.. Ahhhhhh the room again...This has been one long ass blog and congrats to anyone who read it to the bottom.. Washer is calling so goodnight for now...

Soft as a breeze
He touches my hair.
Can't see his face
But I know he's there.

The softest words
Whispered in my ear.
He's so far away
Yet he's right here.

Stars shinning down
Casting beautiful light.
Though not together
We share this sight.

Awakened from sleep
By a soft, tender touch.
Wish he was here
I miss him so much.

Morning brings light
a knock at my door
He's standing right there
The man I adore.